I hate my life

I hope it's not really me.
Ok, I just made another denial.
It is about me.
Just pretend it's about somebody else, ok?

I feel so lonely this weekend.
I'm a bit ashamed to admit that, but that's me right now.
There are many things I think about.
About loneliness, about what if everybody's gone.
What if my parents are gone, all families are gone,
people I love are gone, and at the end no one's around.
Only people I don't know.
Should I go after them? Just to have another companion?
But for what? To feel again the lost?

how's your feeling if one day you know that your parents are not your real parents, if you know that all love you got from people you really love is fake, if suddenly you doubt that God is real, if you doubt whether there's actually love (because you yourself have manipulated the love you had), and at the end you hate your life.
Yes, at this point I hate my life.

Living in a real world

Not everybody aware that he/she is living in reality.
But once you realize that you cannot control everything around you, your works, your relationship, your family, and also your future life, then you will find the world around you is real.
And suddenly you will hate them all. Hate your works, your partner, your family, and your life.
But at the same time you will realize that you can do nothing. This is the real world you are living. You cannot escape unless you kill yourself.. =)

*gini nih kalo mesti mulai suatu kerjaan dari tengah2, nerusin kerjaan org lain.. pusing.*

tambahan:
dan pada saat kita tau ga bisa berbuat apa2, kadang cuman bisa diem atau nangis.
plus tau2 kerasa sakit kepala sebelah, kyk skrg ini. *duh, ini knp leherku*

About a Dream

Lately, almost every night I had a dream. Sometimes more than one story for one night.
This morning is the example.

1st dream:
I’m visiting a German family house. They have 2 children, both are teenage boys, and they are boys I often meet at the bus every time I go to work.
This dream was stopped because of my neighbor.
I heard some steps and the door was closed with a big bang.
When I saw my handy, it’s only 4.30 am. :(
Then I continued to sleep.

2nd dream:
I met Ray and Jibran. One of them had a bike with them. It’s like we wanted to go somewhere. There were some other people also, but I didn’t remember them.
Then we went inside a small room like a lift.
But suddenly, all of my stuffs went out from my bag (actually I even didn’t realize that I had a bag).
Almost at the same time, I heard something falling.
I open my eyes, and I saw my calendar has fallen from the wall.
Well, this is not part of my dream. It is real.
Don’t know why it took the same time to happen.
Anyway, I put the calendar only using the tape. So probably it’s too heavy for the tape to keep the calendar on the wall.

Then I continued sleeping.

Again, I heard some steps and the closing door.. again, it’s my neighbor.
I saw my handy, it still 5 o’clock! Oh man..
What are they doing early in the morning?? *grr*

And finally I got up after the 3rd sound.
It was my neighbor again..

Now I feel sleepy..

Btw, 2 days ago I had another dream.
That time, I dreamt attending the final exam for elementary school.
Mannn... it's weird. :(

I think I’m too tired.
Or perhaps I think too much lately.
Or on the other way around, maybe I think too less, so my brain brought me back all unimportant, unforgettable and weird things hehe.. :p

Less than 5 months left!

What would you do before you turn 30?
I've found these 2 links:
http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/advice/19990531a.asp
http://style.uk.msn.com/wellbeing/mindbodysoul/gallery.aspx?cp-documentid=5901526

my list so far:
1. travelling, see the world (I'm doing it =) )
2. climbing the mountain (has been scheduled ;) )
3. swimming (yup, I couldn't swim :( )
4. learning make up :D (suggested by Kobua.. who else.. :p)
5. ..

any other suggestions?

Hmmm..

She was only 10, when she first time had a crush on him.
Nothing special. Except that one time she did a stupid thing in front of him.

She was 15, when she first met him at the church.
Nothing special. She just liked to see him.
And she couldn't wait to see him again every week, just to see him.
She even didn't know him, not even his name.
She just likes to see him.

She was 17, when she saw him with his mum and sister, without a father.
She wondered, and began to look at him.
She met him almost every week, and suddenly she liked him.
She didn't know him, never wanted to know.
She just likes to see him.

She spent the whole 6 years at the same class together with him.
She competed with him, and she had a crush on him.
She said nothing to anybody, that she had this feeling.
Almost 20 years later, she still had that feeling.
Until someday he got married.
She knew she loves him.

She liked him. She had nothing in her mind but being his friend.
One day a friend told her, he had a girlfriend.
She felt hurt in her heart.
But she decided to still be his friend, no matter what.
She just loves him.


At this point, love - if it's a love - hurts. Cannot touch, can only be seen.
But sometimes by looking at your loves from the distance, and making no distraction of your presence to them by putting your needs, you can see them as they really are.
Perhaps sometimes it's better like that..

I'm ready to die

There's an old lady who's very ill.
One day her doctor said, "Unfortunately we don't really have a choice, you have to take this medication".
But the lady said, "I do have a choice."
Instead of taking the medication suggested by her doctor, she prefered to die.
She said to her doctor, "There's not one thing I regret as I'm here right now. I'm ready, I really am."
And it's true. She had a great life, she has done many things in her life.
When she found out that her doctor prefered to accompany her and not to go out since it's actually his free time, she said: "You need to start thinking sometimes for yourself, young man."

*scrubs1-04*

Bengong Bingung

Hari ini kok jadi bengong bingung gak jelas gini ya..
Bingung mo ngerjain apaan, soalnya kayaknya kok dah kelar semua kerjaannya.
Trus akhirnya jadi bengong-bengong dan ngerjain hal-hal yg nggak karuan.

Tadi udah gangguin si Anie.. Mo gangguin Chinmi, dia lagi asik jalan-jalan.. *mau ikut dunkk..*
Bolas bales email urusan kerjaan, udah kelar.. (di Asia udah malem soalnya)
Ngecek2 kerjaan, bingung apa ya yg mesti di-follow up lagi.

Jadi akhirnya nulis di sini deh :p
Kadang aku suka kyk gini nih, tau2 ngerasa gak ada kerjaan. Moga2 sih emang krn kerjaan2ku dah beres, bukan krn saking banyaknya, sampe gak terlihat itu kerjaan hehe..

Ya udah ah. Cari kerjaan dulu.. biar gak bengong otaknya.

Tidak Mudahnya Jadi Orang Tua

Hari ini sampai aku baru saja balik dari rumah temen kantor, abis bantuin anaknya belajar bahasa Inggris. Tadi sepanjang perjalanan ke rumah, si ayah bercerita betapa pusingnya dia mikir bagaimana supaya anaknya mau dan bisa belajar dan dapat nilai baik di sekolah. Kenapa bisa gitu?

Di Jerman, sekolah sudah dibedakan menurut kemampuan anak2nya. Yang pinter masuk ke jenis sekolah yang bagus, yg tujuannya memang untuk lanjut ke jenjang universitas. Yang kurang (atau ga mau) pinter masuk ke sekolah jenis biasa atau sekolah kejuruan yg tujuannya utk langsung bekerja.
Orang tua tentunya pingin anaknya masuk ke jenis sekolah yg bagus itu, dgn harapan nantinya masa depan si anak lebih baik, bisa bekerja di tempat yg baik.
Kalau aku liat, kyknya byk org sini yg beranggapan kalo sekolah di jenis sekolah kedua itu, pasti jelek. Anak2nya dibilang a-sosial. Dan sebisa mungkin berusaha spy anak2nya tidak masuk ke sana.
Tapi aku pikir gak bisa digeneralisir jg.

Nah, anak temenku ini saat ini kelas 6. Kalo nilai2nya ga bagus, dia bisa dipindahin dr sekolahnya ke sekolah yg gak bagus itu. Tp kyknya si anak nyantai aja, gak terlalu mikirin. Ayahnya deh yg spannen.
Belajar mesti diawasi ketat. Sehari dua hari gak dikontrol, balik lg.
Ulangan2 dapet 4-5.. (termasuk Inggris, makanya agak2 was2 jg nih aku sbg ibu guru hehe)
Ditawarin les tambahan, ga tertarik. Disediain ini itu, gak ngefek.
Diajak ngomong baik2 sampe keras2, inget sebentar doang, trus lupa lagi.
Trus bingunglah si ayah.. was soll ich machen? katanya.. :)

Ya gimana.. nanyanya ke aku.. :p Ya aku cuman cengar cengir aja deh.. hehe..
Trus terakhir dia bilang,
"mending gak usah punya anak deh. Pusing mikirnya.." Lha kok?! :D :D

(temenku ini punya 1 anak kecil juga, umur 3 taun, yg dia selalu panggil monster.. krn emang kyk monster haha.. :D lari ke sana kemari, jumpalitan hilir mudik, coret sana coret sini ga bisa diem.. TAPIIII.. ternyata tadi aku bisa bikin dia nangis.. hihihihi... :P pdhl cuman ketawa ngeliat dia ngelap mulutnya pake roti, trus rotinya ditaruh lg di meja..hehe)

anyway..
inti ceritanya, terutama untuk yg dah pada punya baby.. : selamat berjuang, kawan!! kamu pasti bisa! :D

Kangen.. :(

Kangen sama Hamburg.. kangen naek kereta bolak balik ke sana.. kangen keluar masuk toko.. kangen sama jalan-jalannya.. hiks hiks.. ;(( *kok jd hampir nangis beneran gini seeh..*

menyebalkan ternyata.
Mungkin justru karena gak pernah benar-benar tinggal di sana, jadinya malah berasa kyk gini.. :(

Sepi

Hari ini masih kebawa capek dari kemaren, gara2 pergi nonton pameran Cebit seharian.
Akibatnya jadi begini deh:

ngantuk? agak, tp gak gitu mengganggu.
Malah tau2 nongol lagi tuh rasa kesepian.
Ditambah cuaca yg mendung2 gak karuan, trus frau Goetting cerita di imelnya kalo kakaknya baru meninggal, ditambah kepikiran soal kerjaan baru yang tak kunjung datang, jadinya kok bikin desperado.
Kerasa banget pas pulang ke rumah.
Dah memutuskan utk ga aerobik hari ini. Bisa2 tar malah pingsan beneran hehe.

hmm.. na ja. Nangis bentar gpp lah. Pdhl nangis buat apaan jg ga jelas haha.
ya sudahlah. yg penting skrg dah legaan. dan lanjutin nonton Howl's Moving Castle. Film anime Jepang, yg kyknya bagus banget.

kadang kalo aku kesepian, lebih milih berusaha bertemen sama rasa sepi itu. Ngapain kek sendirian. Gak cari org lain buat nemenin misalnya. kyknya lebih baik gitu deh. Soalnya, sama diri sendiri itu yg paling terasa terus. Maksudnya, ada terus. Kalo diri sendiri ga ada, ya udah deh mati semua kalo gitu hehe. Kalo sama org lain, kyknya kok bisa semu. Hari ini ada, besok tidak ada. Gak ada yg benar2 selalu ada di samping kita, kecuali diri kita sendiri.
Kedengeren putus asa ya? hmm.. ga jg lah moga2. Emang mesti ngelewatin situasi kyk gini kali.
Ya mayan lah, buat diinget2 entar2. Jadi kalo ngalamin lagi, ga kaget.

anyway, jd ngalor ngidul.
Soal kerjaan jg jd pikiran. Krn aku gak tau sebenernya cita2ku dlm bekerja apa.
Spesialis, bukan. Expert, bukan. Sebelnya, dr kecil kok aku dah nyadar ya kalo aku bukan tipe org yg bakal jd spesialis atau expert di suatu bidang. Tapi lebih ke yg kemana2 aja (harusnya) bisa tapi gak dalem.
Pas lg nyari2 kerjaan gini, baru menyadari betapa menyebalkan dan bingung-nya aku.

ah udah lah. besok, besok. skrg, skrg.
kerjain aja yg bisa dikerjain skrg.
ga usah mikir apa yg bakal terjadi besok.

Happy for un-important reason

After I spent the weekend at home without heater, and this morning I felt a bit depressed,
then suddenly everything turned out to be wonderful.
I just found out that someone has fixed the heater, and now I'm just feeling happy..
Happy for every little single thing happened today.

And I'll definitely enjoy the dance in the aerobic class tonight! =) *yipiieee!!*

Become like children

Ada 2 anak di dalam gereja mengikuti misa. Mereka kakak beradik.
Si kakak laki2, berumur kurang lebih 10 tahun. Duduk tekun mengikuti jalannya misa, sambil sesekali memperhatikan si adik perempuan yg umurnya mungkin sekitar 6 atau 7 tahun, yang sedang duduk menggambar sesuatu di meja khusus anak-anak.

Sesekali si adik datang menghampiri kakaknya.
Pertama dia menunjukkan gambar hasil karyanya dgn bangga.
Kedua saat persembahan tiba, si adik ikut duduk di samping kakaknya.
Si kakak mengeluarkan uang logam 2 keping 5 sen euro dari sakunya, satu diberikannya kepada si adik. Mereka terlihat suka cita menanti petugas kolekte datang dengan kantong persembahan, dan tidak sabar untuk bisa memasukkan uang logam mereka ke dalam kantong itu.

Ketika waktunya komuni tiba, si kakak menuntun adiknya ke depan altar, langsung mengambil posisi terdepan. Kakak berdiri tepat di belakang adiknya, seperti seorang ayah yg membawa anak yg disayanginya ke depan altar untuk mendapat berkat dari pastur.
Tak lama pastur pun memberi berkat kepada mereka berdua, lalu si kakak kembali menuntun adik kembali ke tempat duduknya.

------
Benar ternyata,
kalau mau melihat kebahagiaan, lihatlah pada anak-anak.
Mereka hidup pada saat ini dan untuk saat ini saja.
Tidak mengkuatirkan segala sesuatu.
Biarpun kadang bisa terlihat seperti org dewasa,
tapi mereka lebih tulus..