Forgive

Man: "You don't want to know the detail of what i did."

Woman: 

"If you want me to forgive you, I need to know what I'm forgiving you for.

Where were you .. what did you do .. did you do that.. ?

You answer all those questions then we can talk about forgiveness."

(from one episode of the Good Wife)

Would you dare enough to tell someone you've really hurt about the detail of what you did? Before or after you ask for forgiveness?

We might think that we'll hurt that person even more by doing that, but what if in the contrary you'll actually help him/her to finally forgive you completely? 

*I might have found my answer why I'm still having hurt and anger inside, it's because I don't know what I'm forgiving him for..* *sigh*

September Tanpa Post

September kemarin memberi banyak pengalaman.

Satu, melihat Norwegia. Biarpun cuma sesaat, tapi bisa melihat sesuatu yang belum pernah dilihat sebelumnya adalah suatu anugerah. Norwegia itu cantik dan baik. Itu kesan pertama. 

Dua, bisa melewati satu tahapan untuk mendapatkan sim adalah juga suatu anugerah. Atau itu suatu hasil jerih payah. Sesuatu yang terbayar. Benar-benar tekad besar, semangat, dan berusaha sekuat tenaga menjadi kuncinya. Jadi malu, kenapa gak selalu bisa seperti itu ya..

Tiga, senangnya bisa bertemu teman lama.. teman satu rumah, yang rasanya bukanlah teman paling dekat, tapi ternyata teman yang awet. Kadang memang gak perlu jadi teman yang selalu penuh perhatian. Cukup jadi teman yang memperhatikan saat dibutuhkan, yang membiarkan saat tidak dicari, atau yang datang ketika diundang. Kadang, menjadi apa adanya memang yang terbaik.

Empat, ada saatnya bertemu, ada saatnya berpisah. Dua teman kantor harus pergi meninggalkan tim. Sedih juga. Tapi mereka mendapatkan yang lebih baik, pastinya. Biarpun sudah berpisah, ini bukanlah benar-benar perpisahan. Pertemanan akan berjalan terus, dimana pun kita berada. Percaya itu.

Something else is more important..

I saw The Change Up today, common Hollywood movie where the story is not so special. Nevertheless it made me thinking a bit. 
This movie told about the story of a married man (who has beautiful wife and 3 kids), and his best friend who's still single and never get serious with his life (as he's a quitter).
The married man loves his family so much and works very hard to make sure they have a good living. But down the way he starts to forget the first reason why he has to work hard. He's more and more into his work, and works become his first priority instead of the wife and family. We can guess how the story continuous from this point (with a happy ending of course), but that's not what I want to write more.
As I said before, somehow it made me thinking. Sometimes we know exactly what's the main reason we do something. As example above, the reason to work very hard is for the family. But then we often just forget that, and after a long time we just realize that we've done too much or too far from what we wanted to achieve at the very first place..
There should be a lot of signs enough for us to warn that we're doing too much, that it's time to stop or slow the pace. But again, sometimes we just couldn't see those signs. Like that married man, he couldn't see how unhappy is his wife.
I think, anything that we do too much sometimes is just making us focusing more on ourselves. And the people around us, which often the ones who love us (and we love), are the ones who get the damage - if not the first, or the worst.
I know that we cannot make ourselves always available for the people around us, the reason why do something. There's always a time where we are only focusing on ourselves, on one goal. However it's always good if we can stop for a while, then see and listen to our  surrounding.. think of what we have so far.. our family, our husband or wife, our boyfriend or girlfriend, kids, parents.. see how we've used the time also for their well being.


I write that because perhaps I'm being in the middle of trying to see around my life right now. Trying to remember what's the first reason I'm being here and working hard. Although I think my first reason cannot be used anymore now. People change and I've made my decision. However, still I want to slow down for a while and see what I could do better for the ones I love.

I learn to enjoy the summer

Often for me good weather means outdoor activities, biking, jogging, walking, wandern, hiking, sight seeing, swimming, or something else which always requires me to do this and that physically. But today I learn to enjoy the good weather differently. Well, for most of people it is not something special. But it is for me.
Being in the swimming pool area where you can lay under the tree, go in and out the pool without have to really swim, just enjoy the water, it's really something. I feel relax. I didn't know (until today) that I could enjoy it. 
Sometimes perhaps we just need to loose ourselves a bit. Having our own lazy time by doing nothing but enjoy the good weather.

Know When to Stop

Lately my heartburn is coming back. I know that I will always have problem around my stomach (somehow), but still sometimes I have difficulty to figure out what exactly is the cause of my stomach problem (in this case today is the heartburn).
I got this heartburn since I started my work here. That was almost 3 years ago. What has been changed is definitely my meal. I have German lunch every day now, instead of having my own meal (self made, which is more Asian style). 
At first I didn't think that it mattered, but I was wrong. When you change your eating habit, increase or decrease your meal, sometimes you'll just get some adjustment in your body (I mean, some more fat or less fat here and there :) ). But sometimes it is also possible that your body just refuses the change. For my case, it's like it cannot stand anymore. Producing more acid which press my throat and vomiting the food. Strange though, seems like our body can really set its own limit. 
And here starts the thing. Sometimes you can be really hungry, like you can eat everything.  So do I. Sometimes I want to eat more in one go. But the body cannot stand. Somehow I should try to understand my body. My mind should be able to say stop and take no more food. In the end it's really how to control your mind and know when to stop. 

Without July!

July has been away, and now it's August already. Time flies so fast, as always. 


When I was a kid, I remember one day I was thinking how a day lasted so long. It's like time walking so slow. And now, it's just flying away like that, even before I could grasp everything for my mind. 


July has been always special. It's the time where I could retreat then return back with more spirit and energy. It's the time to think back about my life, to be very grateful to what life has given, and also the time I use to think about the path I should take next. Although sometimes it's just confusing, not really sure where I should go. 


July also reminds me of my family. How I miss being around them, and how I also have missed so many experiences with them because I choose being here.
Nevertheless, somehow July never lets me being alone. There are always people I love and who care about me around. :) It's a bless. 


Thank you, God.

Naik Tingkat

Sampai minggu lalu, setiap kali mikir tentang kemungkinan untuk memulai situasi hidup yang baru, gue selalu mikir bahwa segala sesuatu akan dimulai dari nol lagi, dari bawah lagi. Semua yang sudah dibangun selama ini akan jadi sulit dibawa dan diteruskan, kemungkinan malah bisa hilang.
Tapi kemudian seorang teman yang bijak malah berkomentar sebaliknya. 
"Jangan berpikir setiap perubahan dalam hidup itu berarti memulai kembali dari awal. Lu harus anggap setiap perubahan itu sama dengan proses naik tingkat, proses menaikkan level hidup lu, menjadi lebih baik."
Menjadi lebih baik itu tidak hanya dalam hal materi, tapi juga dalam hal lainnya. 
Memang sih, setelah dipikir2 lagi, setiap perubahan dalam hidup itu selalu punya pengaruh yg negatif/merugikan dan positif/menguntungkan. Tapi pada akhirnya, kalau kita bisa memaksimalkan apa yang kita dapatkan / diberi, kadang malah bisa mendapatkan lebih banyak yg positif..
Hmm. Gue masih harus terus belajar untuk bisa melihat sisi-sisi positif dari setiap perubahan dalam hidup..

Cinta dan Menikah

*serius mode*


Dulu saya pikir konsep menikah muda itu hanya ada di dunia timur. Menikah karena cinta, dijodohkan atau karena alasan lainnya. Tapi ternyata saya salah. 


Mantan housemate saya, orang Jerman, punya seorang adik. Umurnya masih 20an tapi dia sudah beristri dan punya anak dua. Mereka menikah muda. Istrinya mungkin masih umur belasan waktu mereka menikah (di atas 18 harusnya ya). 


Satu weekend di Indianapolis dua bulan lalu, saya diajak teman kantor berkunjung ke rumah temannya. Mereka pasangan muda. Ada beberapa tamu lainnya, rata-rata mereka pasangan muda, 1 pasangan dengan bayinya. Pasangan muda di sini benar-benar muda, umur sekitar awal 20an. Dari situ dimulailah obrolan saya dengan teman kantor dan pasangannya tentang pernikahan. 


Beda di Jerman, beda pula di Amerika. Ada sebagian masyarakat di sana yg sama saja ketatnya seperti di timur. Menikah tanpa pacaran atau tanpa perlu lama-lama pacaran. Pengaruh agama dan adat istiadat tidak bisa dihindari.


Kadang jadi bertanya-tanya, bagaimana ke depannya. Menikah itu komitmen seumur hidup. Apa bakal mudah juga bercerai?


Semua tergantung masing-masing orang sebenarnya. Mungkin kalau saya masih berumur 20an, saya tidak akan melihatnya sebagai sesuatu yang amazing. Yakin sekali, kalau saya sebagai pelaku, yang ada di otak hanya: just do it. :)
Sekarang, segala sesuatu jadi dipikir, dan kadang dipikir panjang. 


Setiap orang berubah. Bertambah usia, berubah pula cara berpikirnya.


Oya, cinta hampir terlewat.
Pasangan muda itu kadang terlihat sekali cintanya. Kasmarannya. Seberapa lama cinta yang seperti itu bisa bertahan? 

If it's meant to be, it will be

A friend of mine told me 12 years ago, "you have a straight life". Having a "perfect" boyfriend, never went through common big differences which potentially could lead to difficulties among couples such as religions, ethnic, age, languages, etc; all seemed to be a straight life. Finish the college, get a job, then get married. What was could be better than that. But that's not then what happened.
Sometimes I wish I could have had that straight path, without had to go through all difficult time, and be far away from my family and friends.. Maybe right now I would have been married, being a mom, having my own family wherever we live, while still working somewhere..
It's even more difficult now to have such wish.
But I believe I'm not the only one who determine what my life should be. Often I just got myself turned up side down. At that point in time, I could only try to follow the life, accepting what it is bringing and giving. It is sad sometimes, being confused of your own life. I'm just afraid that always following the life won't bring anything at the end. I don't know.
Everybody has his/her own life path, though. Sometimes what we see as a straight path is actually not, or turning to be zig zag, or up and down path. Some people made it, some not. Some took another path, some keep staying on the same path. 
I'm just thinking how, when, where it will lead to and end. *sigh* They said, if it's meant to be, it will be. But when it is..

Wish I could be with you now.. ;( *miss you*

Kok Gampang Stress Sekarang.. :(

Kenapa ya sekarang jadi gampang banget stress sama kerjaan.. Cuma baca satu imel panjang berisi pertanyaan2 tentang kerjaan, jadinya langsung kepikiran. Kadang suka mikir, apa jgn2 salah ya yg aku kerjain? Stress gak bisa meyakinkan orang lain kalo hasil kerjaku itu berguna, gak cuma bikin tambah kerjaan orang lain aja..
If this comes over and over again, then maybe it's the time to set another priority.

I'll always be right there..

I don't know why Bryan Adam's song, I'll always be right there, is always in my head. Especially every time I feel alone (not lonely), it's just coming then I start humming... Never remember all the lyrics, but the first sentence would be enough: "I swear to you, I will always be there for you, there's nothing I won't do.." I don't know, I just like it and feel peaceful. Strange though. 
In our life, we must ever have some time where we feel like living alone, or we do live alone. I know that for many people, it is almost impossible to have that situation - means, they cannot live apart from their family, friends, or the ones they love. But sometimes we don't have any choices. It's like a training, how you learn to rely on yourself (and God - of course, for I still believe he's everywhere and so he's there also even when you're alone), and not to depend on other people.. or more, not to attach to other. 
I learn that being alone means also sometimes making distance. Particularly if you've experienced how attachment (to the other people) really could bring no good for your own life, then you create the line. And from time to time you try not to cross that line again, or you'll get hurt (or afraid to get hurt)..
hmmm.. I wish I know when to cross that line and when not to do that.

Soto Ayam Bikin Mikir

Kadang suka mikir, sebenernya mau kemana hidup gue. Jauh dari keluarga, sendirian.. semuanya jauh. Kalo ngeliat orang lain sepertinya mrk punya sesuatu yg diabdikan. Seperti keluarga misalnya. Kadang suka mikir, normal gak sih. Memang ada yg ilang sih. Dulu, setiap langkah ada tujuannya. Masuk sekolah.. SD, biar lulus dan masuk SMP. Abis itu biar masuk SMA, abis itu biar masuk uni, abis itu biar bisa kerja. Abis kerja, pingin kuliah lagi di sini, kejar lagi.. Abis kuliah lagi, trus cari kerja lagi. Trus kerja deh. Trus abis itu? hmm.. Skrg cita2 yg dikejar itungannya per taun. Taun ini pingin punya sim. Taun depan mau melakukan A. Selain itu.. umur 40, pingin punya rumah sendiri.. :D *cita2..* hmm.. pingin punya anak juga sih.. tapi baru pingin doang. Begitu ditanya kalo begini begitu gmn, errrr.. gak tau :p *ngelesnya: tar aja dipikir kalo udah punya anak beneran hehe* 
Kayaknya dimana2 orang pingin punya hidup yg lurus2 ya. Lahir-sekolah-kerja-kawin-punya anak-ngawinin anak-punya cucu- ... :) Tapi ga semua kyk gitu deng. Byk hal yg terjadi pada setiap "-". Semakin dipikir semakin pusing. Tapi kalo gak dipikir baik2, takut hidup akan jd sia2. Kok ya ga ada hal yg berguna. 
Kata Susi, hidup bukan cuma kerjaan doang. Enjoy the life. Kadang suka terperangkap. Untung bisa keluar setiap kali terperangkap. Kadang mikir, bakal sampai kapan spt ini. Kapan bakal mulai lagi episode yg lain. Di sini atau entah dimana lagi. Jadi takut. Entah karena makin bertambah usia, jadi makin byk mikir. Kalo liat ke belakang, ke sana kemari tanpa takut apa2. Begitu skrg harus mikir jauh ke depan, malah jd bingung. Takut? mungkin. Hmm.. gak normal kyknya gue. Harusnya ga usah takut ya. Apapun bisa terjadi lagi. 
Either you take it, or you will regret it.. 
*pikiranruwetgakkaruan*

It's still sad

It's still sad here, when something reminds me of what I've been through those long years.. It's just sad.. I thought it will be better now. But still, it cannot really be erased. Well, I guess not. 


Sometimes I'm just afraid. There is no real love.

Stress Management

I've been thinking how to cope with stress and manage my works in a better way while I was at home yesterday afternoon.. then here is the solution I found so far:
1. Don't touch the work and avoid to sit too much in front of computer when you're home
2. Work on one thing at a time
3. Carefully manage the calendar - make sure you have still some free time to finish your works (whole day meeting is okay, but to have it 5 days in a row is not a good idea) --> this is the most important thing I should remember now
4. Find the right people to discuss with - people who really understand and know the topic, and most important: people who care about simplicity; PLUS it's sometimes better to have small group than big group of people for discussion/working
5. Priority, priority, priority - know exactly what/which have to do first, right now, and later
6. Sometimes maybe it's necessary to be headstrong


fiuhh.. let see if it gives something good.

It's the time

Why is it so difficult to start writing something.. hmm.. 


It's about the work. For the first time in 2.5 years working here, I'm thinking about setting up my finish line. It's just too much. I feel like I couldn't finish much. And that's only one thing. I feel like if I want to move on and make result, I have to change myself, from collective type of person to (a bit) I-don't-care or I-want-this-way type of person. Of course after I've listened to people who REALLY know what and how, and not the people who THINK they know what is right and wrong, what is allowed and not allowed. This is FRUSTRATING.. I don't know if I can drastically do that.


I learned a lot. Learned how it is difficult to get people thinking a bit outside the box, at least to accept that there might be other ways than the ways we normally have. 
Unfortunately I couldn't learn as fast as I want to, to be at the same page with the people who understand things very well, so I couldn't argue :(


Sometimes I just think that it's only leadership problem, the decision maker. No one could really want to take a full decision. A decision where no one couldn't even question back. For sure no one wants to go into details. Because once they go, they will learn how SIMPLICITY is above many things. 


I do realize that simplicity is the key to make things running. At least running first. How can I convince people to do things which are complicated while they can find other simple way? Just for the shake of "it is not correct way, it is not in the system, blablabla" then we should do simple things in more complicated way?


I'm working in service development. You have no idea how the two additional "Ps" can really make huge difference in the development. "People" always want to have simple "Process", but it's also "People" who make simple "Process" more complicated. Often (unfortunately) using the system as the reason.


I set my finish line in 2 years. Five years would be enough to let them having something that they've just talked for years. Well, at least the beginning. And it's already something real, better than just talking.


Fuihh.. I should survive.. *wish me luck*

Belajar..

Wiken ini belajar hal2 baru..


bahwa org yg berkulit lebih gelap alias punya lebih byk pigmen gak punya daya serap sinar matahari sebanyak org yg berkulit terang alias punya lebih sedikit pigmen.. --> jadi butuh lebih lama buat menyerap vitamin d nya --> kesimpulannya: taking summer holiday in winter time is always a good decision hehehe .. :p 


bahwa cuka itu canggih sekali ya - siram sedikit ke panci, langsung ilang bercak2nya.. ckckck..

Not proud of myself

I'm really not proud of myself now,
not being able to save a lot after some years of working..
spent too much on things which are not necessary..
though sometimes I like to give others.. - which I don't regret it.
It's just.. it's like, it's now the time where I really wish I could have saved enough
to pay for that expensive German driving license, for instance..
and to prepare for my life ahead (well, I wouldn't be always like this and being here, wouldn't I?)


*sigh*


*2nd time for me to feel really sad about not having enough money - after a few years ago where I knew that I couldn't afford myself to study in TU Delft because of the cost..*

Come Home..

I'm just thinking. A man who's always travelling is perhaps a man who's trying to find his home. He's just trying to find the way home. 
And perhaps that's what I'm doing right now. I'm looking for my way home.
And where is it? I don't know..

Small Routines

.. wish I could pick you up.." he said.


Suddenly I remember small routines that I've missed for a long long long time and never realized that.
Small small routines..
hmm..
I do miss many things.

Hmm... why tired..

Just realized that I wrote similar or same topics on my latest postings. Hmm. I hope I'm not tired with my life. That's not what I want. Well, perhaps sometimes in your life you will always have this period where what you can only feel is tired, tired, and tired. 


Nevermind..

I'm Tired..

I'm tired. Really tired.
Tired of you, tired of myself, tired of us, tired of all things around us. 
Tired of all thinking, those which were wrong, those which were right, those which hurt, those which once made happy, and those which made us sad.
Tired of all the words, all the talks, what should be and what shouldn't be.
Tired of all the hopes, and the give ups.


I'm just tired. Really tired.
Tired of all these things.
Really.


Can we just stop here, stop talking about and analyze the past?
Can we just forgive, forgive ourself and yourself?
Can we just live for today, and not for yesterday and tomorrow?
Can we just live for ourselves, really live our life, and not the others'?


I've decided to stop.
Stop talking and thinking about the past, about those difficult years, about us, about you, about all what we've done, about why and what if.
It's because I'm tired now. Really tired.


Perhaps that's my most honest reason, why I finally decided to quit.
May He forgives me for what I've done..