Become Wiser?

It's almost at the end of the year, and yet I've learnt a lot of things lately. Life is always interesting. It could suddenly gave you one moment which opens your mind and changes how you view the world. Well, not the whole world of course.. at least several things around your life. 

For quite some times I had some thought in my mind, about some friends, about things that they do, I was trying to question why they did several things and had that thought in their mind, which are quite different with mine. I didn't know what I was looking for actually. I just knew that sometimes I felt heavy around them.

Until one day I had the chance to have interesting talk with one friend, where I shared all those thoughts and brought all my questions.

I felt difficult sometimes to understand why people like to buy very very expensive things, why they are not opened and like to hide whatever they are hiding, and having that kind of mask, why they choose this and that way which often brings our relationship or friendship to a cross road.
It's easy if they are just people that you just know or you don't know.. but if they are your own friends.. that's sometimes difficult to face. Often we tried to persuade them to follow what we think is right, but on the other hand it might not be also always right.
At the end, what I learnt from my friend is that, first yes I should try to understand.. but to understand the possible reason or the background why they become like that. Don't try to understand why they do this and that. Maybe they don't know either. Then, to accept them.. accept it if at one point the friendship will change. Sad? yes, of course. Everybody maybe has that experience, where they see a friend is no longer the same friend they used to know. But that makes you feel lighter. You don't expect much from your friends. He is what he is.

I think becoming wiser means being able to lighter your thought. When it's heavy, it's difficult to see around. I don't know. I will try to think like that every time I feel heavy or disappointed with a friend. Just 2 things above, then I should be able to lighter my mind. 

4 Years Ago Today

Four years ago today, I started my new life here. Alone without any friends nearby, and brave enough to embrace whatever may happen. I had only eagerness to learn new things, do my best for each work given. It's completely new world to me. 
Indeed I learnt a lot. I learnt how different cultures met and melted, how people thought and perceived things in different ways. I still remember how I felt being in the middle of colleagues (all men) and tried to find your way to be recognized. At least I tried, and stood for it. Failed? of course it happened. Several times. 
I remember how frustrated I could be, just because of different way of working or difficulty to understand or to make other understand.
Four years ago when I started, I never had in mind that I'm going to stay this long. Well, to be honest, I had no plan at all. Do it first and let see where I will go. More or less that's my thought. 

Four years later, it's just amazing how time flies so fast. If I look back, I must say that I'm very grateful for all what I experienced and what I got. It's priceless. I saw the world, different places, like what I wished long time ago. I learned a lot at work. I'm more aware of differences, different behavior and way of thinking because of different cultures; and understand them easier. I got new friends. I did things I never thought I would have done before. I made decision to end relationship which was going nowhere. I let myself to start a new one. I let myself not to worry much of what's going to happen in the future, for as my sister said, God has been so kind to look after me the last 7 years I'm here. 

However, our mind sometimes let us worrying about things. Or let us having regret feeling. Yes, I could not have all. I got some and I lost some. I realize that I lost time with my family, with my sister. I was not there when things happened around the family. I was not there when they needed me. We could not share our life. We're just being apart. Something that I regret, but there is no choice. It's just sad sometimes if I thought of that.
I always try to think that wherever you are, you cannot have all your love ones always around you. But who knows we'll have time together again.

Now I'm thinking when and where this part of my life will turn. Left, right, or around. Sometimes I always have that thought, that one time there will always be a turn. There will be a new chapter, new story. I'm not type of person who pursues the change, but the one who tries to be ready when it comes. Same like what I had in mind four years ago. Let see where it will go, and just be ready.

Happy 4th anniversary.

It's just not fair

Normally, or sometimes, or usually, if you work on something, that is to get something done, or at least to make something different, hopefully to something better.
At least that's how I see myself in working. On one hand, it gives so much pleasure to see some works are done, even though they are just small and perhaps not so important works. The most important is, it is done. So you can move to other things, to solve and finish the other things. 
Sometimes you get bigger things that needs to be done. You tried hard, with your own think and effort, which also sometimes is limited. Limited by your own knowledge and ability. And exactly there, you feel stopped. It's finished, but it's not really finished. It looks like it's okay to go to next things, but it's actually not beautifully wrapped. It is not done. But you cannot do anything.
Terrible is when you just realize that it is not done 1 or 2 years later. Suddenly you have that discussion. Discussion about where, what, and bla bla. Suddenly you feel like you've done nothing the last years. Conversation that you had, explanation that you listened, hundreds documents that you wrote, thousands of meeting that you attended (well, it's a bit hyperbolic here), decisions you ever heard (if I could now recall it as decisions), they are all nothing.
Suddenly you are back at the start line.
I feel like that right now. Something that I thought is progressing, is actually nothing. A proof of unfinished work? Maybe. It's just not fair. It's just not fair. Even an unfinished work needs a feedback whether it should be completed, stopped, or whatever. 

It's just disappointing. I feel disappointed to myself, I'm part of that unfinished work. 
It is time to re-think what I could give and what I should not give anymore. If I could make any difference, then perhaps it's time to move on. Never stay at the same place all your life with the thought that you've made differences, while in a reality you're not. 

Jalan

Hidup itu ternyata memang seperti yang orang-orang bilang. Ada naik dan turunnya. Ada saatnya gak mikir, ada pula saat buat mikir. Mirip satu perjalanan. Ada saatnya kita berada di jalan yang lurus tanpa persimpangan, ada saatnya kita sampai juga di persimpangan. Dan kita harus memilih jalan mana yang diambil, untuk kemudian berjalan lagi di jalan yang lurus tanpa persimpangan.
Kadang juga kita merasa sudah berjalan lama sekali di jalan lurus tanpa persimpangan. Masih bagus kalau kita bisa sadar ternyata sudah lama kita tidak menjumpai persimpangan. Mungkin lebih sering kita bahkan gak sadar kalau ada persimpangan, saking sudah terbiasanya dengan jalan lurus, kita otomatis lanjutkan melangkah ke jalan lurus di depan kita tanpa tengok jalan lain di persimpangan itu. Malas mikir, takut, entah apa lagi alasannya sehingga kita memilih jalan lurus di depan kita saja.

Another year is gone

Yes, another year has gone. I feel like walking to the other direction. Great year with very kind people around me, exciting experiences and more world I could see. 
Every time on my birthday, I could not not reflect all those years which have been passed. The happiness and pain, the sadness and laugh, every moment, moments that I missed, moments that I don't want to last, and moments that I regret. Yet more years to go, without knowing what are going to happen.
I miss my family, I miss my mom.. I probably have missed many things. But then again, you are what you are, and others have their own life. I'm just very grateful that I'm part of them, part of the family, friends, and friendship. Thank you for having me here, within your family and friendship. It's one of the greatest gift that I could have..

Shoes which feet

Long time ago when I was still little girl, I was amazed to see my auntie's shoes. It's not the models, but the amount (she had a lot of shoes..). This auntie was living with us at that time, so I could easily spot her every time she bought new shoes. At that time I didn't understand why she needed so many shoes, even though she sometimes told us that it's because she couldn't find ones which were really comfortable. 

On the contrary, my mom never had a lot of shoes. I still remember her shoes which were mostly very simple pumps-type with not so high heels. I think once I said to her that I would never wear such shoes. But then again, you could always be wrong. 

Back to the auntie, yes, now I really understand why she (liked to) had a lot of shoes. Often it's not because you want to wear different shoes every day, or to show to people that you have many different ones.. but it's just sometimes very difficult to satisfy your feet. Satisfy? Well, other words: avoid to torture these part of the body which have big task to make sure you're moving here and there.. (yes, I love my feet..=) )

My searching of good shoes probably has started for years. I learned that high heels or no heels both could hurt my feet.. Except if I just wear the shoes and don't even move. It's very rarely I could find very comfortable shoes yet look very good. And for this sake of my soul-shoes-mate searching, I keep (trying to buy) buying shoes.

Until someday my boyfriend saw those shoes boxes and he was really really really (I mean it. He's sooooo) amazed to see them *I guess he never saw a woman having that many shoes* and asked me to make a shoes-show and to put all shoes on the floor so he could take a picture of them.. *sigh*. But heyy.. I think that's not a lot because there are also my hiking boots and sandals (which to be honest, my hiking boots and my high-heel crocs are the most comfortable shoes to walk). 

Well, at this point I could only say that I understand now how my auntie's feeling about the shoes, and particularly her feet.

Now I'm at the point where I think the problem could be (still not 100% though) with my feet. 


Last week when I had a chance to visit the shopping center in Frankfurt, I used the time really to check each shoes stores. But I got nothing at the end of the day. No shoes I could feel like "that's it!" Good model but hurt the feet. Comfortable but very expensive. - well, about the price, since I already consider that the probability to find the good ones for my feet are very very rare in any occasion, I always try to limit my budget. I'm sure often there's a price for a good product ("ada harga ada barang?" hehe), but this is still not yet proven with shoes (at least based on my experience). - 

Then after that experience in Frankfurt, I started to look at any women walking with their shoes. I started to wonder how they could walk so elegant (and yet looked very comfortable) on those very high heels.. I really wondered.. (when I told this to my boyfriend, he just said: they feel hurt also on their feet, hon.. I think I never met women who never complain about their shoes.. *is it true? if yes, how poor we are..*)

In the end I came to conclusion that perhaps my feet are the problem. I started to think how to wear my shoes more comfortable (by using additional footbed or whatever..) so there is no need to buy new ones. 

Until... I was in Düsseldorf the next day, and I had only one hour before the shops were closed. I went to a shoes store of course. Went straight to test my luck. And there we go. I bought ones.. Again they're not perfect (I feel hurt a bit), but one is at least comfortable for walking. And the prices are really OK (much cheaper and the brand I couldn't find here).

Fiuhh.. long story he? 

So after all those stories, I think my soul-shoes-mate searching will keep going..

*dedicated to my beloved feet and the two shoes which comfort her =)*

Kids

This morning when I was in the swimming pool's shower, I saw a mom with three small kids (I guess they are between less than 1 year to 6 years old) coming in from the pool. The oldest one - a boy, helped his sister to push the shower button, then both of them just stood there under each shower until their mom coming with the shampoo. She asked them to take some and put on their hair. She taught them how to shampoo their hair. After some time, the second one - a girl, I think she's just around 3-4, proudly said that she's done it. That made me smile. Small kids always make me smile.
It reminds me then my friends' daughter. She's going to be 4 in April, I think. It's love at first sight I guess, when I met her for the first time. She was just a very little girl, so pure. Now? Well, she is growing :)
I don't know if I could say it fortunate, but I could see how friends around me dealing with their kids from different ages. Many things I could learn from them. From the one who is still being pregnant, until the ones who have to deal with their teenage kids. Oh, not to forget, another one with grown-up kids. I think each of them have always their own challenges.
Sometimes I wonder myself, how it would be if I'm on their position, with kids.. :p
Okay, perhaps someday I could have kids - who knows, but I never thought about that really. Well, it's not because I don't want to have kids, it's just I'm not yet in the phase that I could make kids :D. So better to leave that thought later when the time comes.. 
A colleague from other office once asked me suddenly, do you have kids? I was quite surprised, that's the first time someone asked me that. Did I look old? - that's my first thought he he. No, I didn't ask him back like that.. I just told him that I even haven't married yet etc. At the end his conclusion was: ooh.. you're a career woman. Why is it always like that? Sometimes I don't understand. I am NOT a career woman. Well, at least that what I think. Maybe that's how people put people in boxes. Not a married woman, then a career woman.
Anyway, kids.. 
Few nights ago I dreamed about a little girl. Well, I dream a lot actually, almost every night. But that one I told my cousin. And what she said? Perhaps she's your daughter. Oh God. Okay. I think, I'll just leave it to God. When the time comes, it comes. When I'll have kids, then I'll have. When it's not, then it's not. I believe the best is to always accept what we have and what we don't have right now. 

Antara Ada dan Tiada

Setiap hari dicoba jalani. Pilihan hidup untuk berjalan di sini.
Selalu bertanya, kemana akan pergi. Untuk apa di akhir sana.
Hiduplah untuk orang lain, hidup yang menjadi arti. 
Hidup bukan untuk sendiri, menjadi takut tak peduli.
Melangkah dan terus melangkah, tanpa tahu apa di ujung sana.
Tak ada pilihan, bukan? Selain tetap melangkah. 
Semua yang tidak pasti, tinggallah akhirnya penyerahan sepenuh diri.


Bukan karir, bukan harta, bukan duniawi, bukan untuk membuktikan diri. 
Hanya jalan yang coba diikuti. Mengapa berbeda, tak henti bertanya. 
Selalu ada, jalan yang berbeda. 
Diberi, hanyalah diberi. Baik dan buruk, semua harus disyukuri. 


Melihat ke belakang, menatap ke depan. 
Mohon berkati, dan sertai dalam setiap langkah.

Worry

Often we worry too much on many little things in our daily life. Worrying that we'll not get what we need. It makes our mind heavy and we cannot think clearly. Often the results in the end show that it's not necessary to worry too much. Sometimes we have to believe that everything is going to be okay. Yes, everything is going to be okay. Whatever it is.

Oh Why

Why I :
Had to wait for the bus for approximately half an hour under MINUS 10-something °C..
Had to let the dentist tortured my teeth and mouth - fortunately only the right side (and the left side will get it on Wednesday)..
Had to get a 40 Euro fine because I FORGOT to buy the February bus-train ticket.. (I wonder why none of those bus drivers did notice..)
Had to see that the they increase the bus ticket price almost 25%..
Had my fingers frozen (sakit banget..)
Had to let my stomach empty because of the toothache but then now I feel really freezing..


Oh God.


Nangis, nangis deh. Masa bodo. Sometimes you have to feel really unfortunate so you can feel fortunate.

You are what you are

I had an uneasy feeling last week, when a (half) British gentleman (I guess he is) gave his 2-second-look at me. I don't know how to explain it better using my not-perfect English.. You know what I mean, when someone look at 2 points of you, up (your face) and down (your shoes?). Something like that. Why is it uneasy? First because I think I shouldn't have had my crogs winter boots at the office (well, I just tried to be practical - for I was going to go to the cold and windy north, so it's better to just have that comfortable boots). Second, because I feel being underestimated (again, I think it's just my feeling which said that). However thanks to my head which keeps the balance, it said: "it must be difficult to be his girlfriend - to make sure you're always looking right and good (thanks that I don't have boyfriend who like to criticize how I look and what I wear)", AND "he looks tired, it must be difficult to have that on his shoulder, that someday (perhaps) he should think on the life of more than 9000 people. I cannot imagine myself on his position."
Which brought me then to the thought of running my own business - whatever it is. It is big responsibility when it comes to the life of your employees. Fiuhh.. Not sure if the real owner ever really be able to retire. 
Speaking about responsibility, I suddenly saw another big one. I never really thought about that part, but now it makes me thinking hard. Am I ready for that?

New Year Resolution?

Writing more often, perhaps one of the resolution I should have for this year. Once you're writing, you're actually learning. So stop writing means stop learning? Could be.


However I learnt something about myself today. 
Buying frozen pizza for dinner turned out to be not an easy decision for me. Somehow it's easier to decide for buying shoes. *strange*


Just went back from 3-short-week vacation, and I need another additional week just to sort out many things (i mean: cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.. hmm.. plus ironing).


Back to the topic. Second resolution.. hmm.. I really would like to get answers of my unanswered questions (see previous posting below). I must admit, that it's for the sake of my self (isn't it okay to be egoistic once?). The problem is, it's not as easy as I thought. Or people just made it difficult. Why can you just come here to visit me, then we just sit and talk - or it's more: I ask, you talk / tell the stories honestly, and I listen? Not more than that. People sometimes are worried of what others' thinking or feeling. 


I learnt something else also. When a couple separated, in lots of people mind, they should then just walk their own separate way. There is no need to cross path again, even to talk. The past is the past. Personally, I don't agree on that. The past gives you lesson learned, people that you crossed your life with, and memories. Those are things which enrich your soul. Cutting the past and pretending that you have no past is like trying to kill part of your soul. 


I think everybody knows that to love someone means also accepting his/her past. So to love yourself means also accepting your past. I accept my past without regretting those years I was with him, for example. However sometimes we've made mistake also, by trying to cut other's past.


Anyway, the past also sometimes brings some consequence to the current or future. Some promises that we made, even though the situation has changed now, it should not be broken and has to carry on. Like long time ago I've promised to her, that whatever happens between me and him, she will always be like my own mom and so I'll always be like a daughter to her. A promise that I will always keep. *Some people might think that I'm weird.*


Last thing in mind for the resolution. Love yourself, free yourself. 


Happy Belated Blessed New Year! =)